Hey everyone It’s Brooke here! I know that this website is to promote our boutique, but I feel like I have to use it for more. In my last blog post “Meet Me” I didn’t go into all the details of the boutique and why it even started. I give a run down of having my son early and not being able to return to work as a full time cosmetologist. It was a hard time wondering what I was going to do, but even worse than that I was struggling with Postpartum Anxiety and Depression. BAD…
I didn’t feel like myself anymore, and honestly didn’t know what was going to happen to me. I felt completely lost. I told my family that I was struggling, and they knew a lot that was going on, but never did I tell them everything. I had prayed and prayed for God to give me a child, and now I had my baby and wasn’t sure if I could love him. I didn’t have that instant love that you hear people talk about all the time. I loved him, but didn’t LOVE him. If that makes any kind of sense. I had looked forward to all of our family coming over to meet him my whole pregnancy. I couldn’t wait to show him off, and as soon as I got home that all changed.
Almost instantly arriving at our house, I felt like I disconnected with everyone and everything. I honestly didn’t want anyone coming to my home. I didn’t want to take care of my baby, but I also didn’t want anyone else holding him. It was all just super weird and not a good feeling at all. For weeks I cried nonstop, and felt like I was dying inside. I felt completely lost.
What sent me completely overboard was a lady walking up to me around 5 weeks postpartum and she said “Isn’t it the best thing ever? It is a love like no other isn’t it?”
In that moment I wanted to run away and crawl in a hole!
If that makes sense hahaha!
I was so sad because I didn’t have that instant love that you hear moms talk about. I honestly had no connection with my child at all at the beginning. Finally I called my doctor and said something is wrong with me. I went into the office carrying my few week old baby and I sat there and cried. She comforted me and assured me that everything was going to be okay, and it was going to get better.
One of the hardest things that kept bothering me was the fact that I wasn’t pregnant anymore. I loved pregnancy. I think that is what started my struggle with postpartum depression was the fact that I had to have an Emergency C-Section due to developing severe Pre-Eclampsia, so they just cut him out, and it felt like a total blur. One minute He was in my belly, and the next he wasn’t. I had no time to process the fact that he was coming that day. I didn’t get to see or meet our little dude for 2 days after his birth. My husband would go down and take pictures of him through a window and bring them back to me to see. I was on a magnesium drip for a while after birth so I wasn’t allowed to get up and walk. It was sad knowing that another person was getting to do all of the first with him. I was so excited about doing the skin to skin after birth, but that never happened.
I think people started seeing that I was struggling. I had several people encouraging me to get out of the house and to start doing things. I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to go back to my regular job right then. I had always dreamed of having a boutique, and thought maybe I should order a few pieces and just see what happens with it. It took off like wildfire.
I am reminded through all of this, that God still sees our desires. He took a bad situation and he turned it all for my good. He gave me the boutique I have always dreamed of. He has given me the most beautiful baby boy that I am completely and utterly head over heels for. The connection with your child will come ladies, and you are not going crazy. You are not a bad mama just because you struggle with Postpartum anxiety and depression. I won’t lie and say that I don’t struggle at all anymore. My son is 7 months old now, and I still have sad days where I feel like I’m failing as a mother. At the end of the day though I have everything.
I have and my baby.
What more could I ask for?
I encourage you all to go listen to the song “See a Victory”.
It was my anthem during this trial.
Ladies, you are beautiful, strong, and loved by a Great God. Hang in there and never give up. Do not be afraid to reach out for help when you need it.
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